“It’s not fair!…”
Is a phrase I used a lot as a child … and, even now, as a so called adult, I am sensitive and attuned to unfairness.
Or to put a more positive spin, I like to see fairness ..
Yes, I know, I know … once again I feel moved to apologise and wonder if I’ve been unfair to you for the rather hefty gap between my previous blog post and this new one. My posting rate of late approximates to about one post a year – which is not exactly active!
So I come with a sheepish look on my face and apologise …. But should I??
What if I simply allow space for and accept that sometimes not posting – not putting myself under undue pressure or duress – is the right thing, the healthy thing to do?
Our frenetic society expects us to keep going and push on through come what may … it’s seen and robust, commendable, resilient, professional etc. etc. etc. But just “keep going” on the hop till you drop is not really the HSP way.
And yet, being sensitive, I worry about letting people down. About falling short of expected service levels (reasonable or otherwise). I recall hearing the Steven Pressfield mantra that to be professional is to show up even when you don’t feel like it … and that to not do so is to be a dilettante. I can feel the scowl of disapproval …
Well, perhaps. I guess he has a point …
And yet, and yet, that way burnout can be, especially perhaps for we HSP.
So how do we play fair? To those whom we seek to serve and to ourselves? How do you find the balance between looking after yourself – cutting yourself enough slack – and hiding yourself / over-protecting yourself – maybe giving yourself too much slack?
Is there such a thing as too much slack?
Perhaps the drive to slacken off (complex wordplay, huh?) carries and conveys an important message. About health maybe or unresolved traumas?
Perhaps it is simply an unchecked habit? I am not here to judge or bully about procrastination but to reflect, comment and open space for us to ask ourselves the questions that may have no easy answers. But we might find some nuggets and hidden buried treasures if we are willing and able to listen. I can’t promise you but I reckon it is worth having a go.
On health scares
Over the summer I did have a health issue, a health scare. I became aware of some pulling and other discomfort around my right armpit where I’d had lymph nodes removed as part of breast cancer surgery five years ago.
For quite a few weeks I did procrastinate. Partly because I only really noticed it at night. During the day I was often not aware of it and could block it from my mind. Unless I poked and prodded.
I was also far to afraid to engage with it or what it might mean. The possible return of the dreaded “something sinister” and all that comes with that …
Fortunately, eventually sense took hold and I did get checked out and am relieved beyond measure that the medics are satisfied that I am clear of cancer and that the discomfort relates to scarring and possible nerve regeneration – a legacy of surgery and radiotherapy etc.
The link between the first part of this post and what I just revealed is that receiving the good news spurred me on to writing this post. For a few weeks I was in limbo. I held off making decisions. I put purchases on hold. I did my best to keep positive so as not to be constantly flooded with cortisol and anything else that might put a strain on my immune system – just in case. But in truth I was often drowning in fear and anxiety.
But to my immense gratitude and relief, all is good.
I may have neglected you too long. I may have hidden for too long. To the point where I can barely remember how to use WordPress!
But wry humour aside, I do apologise for neglecting you. For not reaching out to you more often.
And, at the same time, I accept that sometimes holding back from. others is what it takes to look after myself.
So, if you’re a long-time reader or newly arrived here, I’m sending out a huge hug and warm welcome to you all … whilst also being honest that I am not someone who will always write on a regular basis. You can call me a dilettante if you want .. but it won’t change anything.
I am forever aware and I do always care but sometimes self-care means it’s not always fair.