Trait or Trauma? HSP Relationship High and Lows

Finally eh?

Time flies when you’re thinking about relationships and the HSP and whether the ups and downs are down to our trait or to trauma …?

… And you’re writing and editing and thinking and then you can’t get into your WordPress admin section and you’re worrying and ‘angsting‘ because you’re an HSP and you really care and you know you said you would write this and almost a month has passed …

Oooof! Ok soooo, to Relationships for the Highly Sensitive Person. Relationships with others – your external world; romantic, platonic, personal, work-based – with partners, lovers, friends, colleagues, customers, and employers. Relationships with ‘Self’ – your internal world; on being ‘nice’, on allowing ‘shadow’ sides, on permission to not have to be always nice, dealing with feelings of bullying, the influences of attachment wounds and early trauma and neglect, of shock traumas in early or adult life.

All these themes emerged in May’s HSP meet-up in Central London of the Highly Sensitive Person Psychology and Support Community hosted by HSP specialty therapist Cindy Gale.

Whilst we share common themes, individual HSPs and experiences of relationships are more varied than Joseph’s Coat of Many Colours – even more diverse than the spelling of colour or color. Forgive me if I interject spots of wry humour (argh, humor) in with what’s a really serious matter. I’m not being trite. It just keeps the anxieties at bay, puts a smile on my fact and keeps me sane …

The 3 D’s

What coalesced in my head I’m calling The Three D’s, namely to

• Disentangle
• Distinguish
• Discern

It seems clear that there’s a level of unpicking required to disentangle the varied strands of influence on our feelings, reactions and subsequent actions.

How, for example, to distinguish between responses that stem from our innate temperament trait and and those that come from elsewhere? Trauma came up and I’ll talk about that below – but it’s also worth noting that what we eat can have an impact on our mood as can hormonal changes too. The drops in oestrogen (estrogen) and testosterone that occur during peri-menopause and menopause can have dramatic effects in so many ways – so it’s not only a question of unpicking Trait from Trauma.

But trauma is what we discussed – reactions that may be rooted in attachment wounds, abuse and neglect trauma legacies. We may not even be consciously aware of them or have identified them. Or we may have buried and suppressed them as they were too painful, overwhelming and beyond our developmental capabilities to cope with when they occurred.

How to discern when something that feels hurtful was an intentional attack on us and when it wasn’t but we’re triggered and perceiving it that way anyway? How if we’re feeling defensive, are we ill at ease for good reason or reacting through a cloudy lens of trauma-influenced off-kilter assumptions?

How, in essence, do we Disentangle, Distinguish, Discern and (4th D) Develop without blame and with honest and clear self-awareness and self-compassion?

It’s also worth knowing what kind of HSP we are … to factor in whether we’re more introverted, extroverted or high sensation seeking. Why?

Elaine Aron teaches us about the pause to check mechanism which means HSPs are wired to stop and think before acting, be less impulsive – and thus less likely to ‘overdose’ on activities and environments that take us into overwhelm. However, whilst all HSPs have this, extroversion and high sensation seeking needs can pull us towards situations that are not so HSP friendly and leave us overstimulated, over-aroused and overwhelmed. It can be tricky to find ideal balance between gas and brake pedals. When we’re in that overwhelmed state, communication and relationships can suffer (as can anyone’s – HSP or otherwise) it’s just that we get there more often and more quickly).

So, if it’s simply that your pause to check has gone a bit offline and you’re in a state of HSP overwhelm than it’s the trait darling and your system’s telling you to take a break. Rest, recharge, reset.

On the other hand, if certain people or certain situations always wind you up, perhaps you’re being triggered by early attachment wounding and other developmental traumas.

Books, Podcasts, Videos etc

Cindy brought alone a selection of books and I was drawn to Attached by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I remember studying Bowlby and Attachment Theory in the Developmental Psychology element of my degree way back but this book applies attachment dynamics into adult life and offers a wealth of insights into Secure, Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles, the style mismatch between those who yearn for intimacy and those who avoid and retract from it … and the pull and perils of that Anxious-Avoidant trap. (Read along similar lines to the HSP or Empath-Narcissist trap). Definitely worth a read.

It’s also worth learning as much as you can about how the nervous system works and Polyvagal Theory from Stephen Porges, explained in more accessible terms by Deb Dana. There are books, videos, podcasts galore. Dive in if you can – it can teach us so much.

Developmental Trauma approaches that don’t pathologise include IFS (Internal Family Systems) from Dick Schwartz and NARM (Neuro Affective Relational Model) from Laurence Heller. I’ve delved into No Bad Parts on IFS by Schwartz and am currently on Healing Developmental Trauma by Heller.

I truly wish both of these approaches were in general use in Public Health Systems as I think they are so sorely needed. And many who could benefit don’t have sufficient funds to pay privately. That’s a tragedy and trauma in itself …

Remember that lack of care and attunement (for whatever reason) can be as damaging as outright and intentional abuse. What Happened to You? (also asking what didn’t happen FOR you?) from Bruce Perry and Oprah is another good one to check out.

The potentially good news for HSPs is that differential susceptibility and vantage sensitivity mean that, if we have access to appropriate therapy, we can benefit from it more than can the less sensitive. The less good news is that access to therapy is largely limited to those with deep enough pockets to pay for it. I would like to see a lot more help – bursaries or other forms of funding to broaden the reach of therapy and still ensure that therapists can get paid.

And before I close, a reminder again about hormones. We know that HSPs can need lower than standard doses of medications like anti-depressants … but what if you don’t really need anti-depressants at all but would benefit hugely from replenishment of diminished oestrogen? Check out Oestrogen Matters (or Estrogen Matters in US) by Dr Avrum Bluming – especially if you’re concerned about HRT and breast cancer. Also the balance-menopause site and Dr Louise Newson podcast from UK based Dr Louise Newson for very illuminating knowledge and information.

So, when relationships hit the fan, you might be in HSP overwhelm and tiredness. You might be having an attachment wounding/trauma triggered reaction or anxious-avoidant mismatch issue. It might be none of the above but you’re menopausal…

Whichever which way, it’s helpful to know how to Disentangle, Distinguish and Discern… and and then Develop (without forcing it). And remember, whatever emerges, you are still, in essence, you and you always retain your Permission to be YOU …

Good luck!