How High is That Bar?
Caring – one of the best aspects about being a highly sensitive person. Of course, you know that.
Caring – one of the “worst” aspects about being a highly sensitive person – aka “RBH” – Raising the Bar too High …
Why should this be deemed a problem? As we pass through life you will hear repeated again and again that in order to grow you will have to stretch. Out of your comfort zone – aim further, aim higher. Stretch a little.
Photo by Justyn Warner on Unsplash
And that’s true. I’m not knocking a little stretch and grow. What I’m talking about is the self-sabotage of raising that stretch bar too far. Or, assuming that others are holding the bar far higher than they truly are.
- Perception is all, right?
- HSPs are prone to overwhelm, right?
Yep, on both counts.
So think about what happens when you raise the bar too high … (or see it as higher than it is) especially in combination with sensitivity and its attendant worries that you might not be able to cope …
FFF… (what’s with all these acronyms today, eh?) – I’m having fun with them as they pop up like mental popcorn – or even mental sherbet dip (popping candy?) popping in my brain cells just like on my tongue … but I digress …
Fight, Flight, Freeze – Cortisol, Freeze, Procrastinate, Freeze, Frustration, Shame, Fear, Self-Berating, Self-Loathing, Shame, Fear, Cortisol, Freeze, Procrastinate, Get Defensive, Justify, Feel Indignant, It’s Not FAIR…
You get the picture?
Doesn’t have to be in this order? Doesn’t have to be all of the above. Probably isn’t – we’re all different humans with our individual quirky ways. But you get the general idea …
Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash
Maybe you worry needlessly that you haven’t done something well enough – Perfectionism maybe, but not just perfectionism. Simply worry that you haven’t done enough. Haven’t met all of someone’s expectations. And projected YOUR unsupportable level of expectations for yourself. Expectations that cannot be readily and accessibly achieved. Set yourself up to feel rotten and presume you’ve failed.
Maybe you’ve got into an argument with someone – a colleague, a friend, a family member, your partner. Perhaps you feel you’ve been wronged. That they have criticised, judged, been insensitive, intolerant, lacked sympathy, empathy, compassion ….
And perhaps they have – a little. Or even a bit of a lot. But quite possibly and probably nowhere near as big a lot and you’ve perceived it.
While you’re working so hard to try and manage other peoples’ perceptions,
are you leaving capacity and room to manage the only perception you have any
true control over – ie your own?
You want to do well. We all want to do well. You wish to excel. Well that would be swell ..
But with time rushing by, please don’t set that bar too high. Give yourself credit, give yourself a chance. Don’t push goodwill into debit but doing a self-hate dance.
Challenge, stretch, build, grow. Care. By all means. Absolutely. Just don’t shoot yourself in the foot before you’ve even passed GO. Trust me, I know! You’ll cope a lot better if you “care” a little less – as in do not obsess. Raise the bar too high and you’re setting yourself up to cry – or at least feel like you want to cry.
Check your assumptions, check your presumptions, see it where it IS, not way above. True bar, true height, you’ll get over.
For sensitive, compassionate coaching, get in touch and schedule a chat.
With Love and Sensitivity
© Annie Wigman – May 2018