Nice One Netta! Not your HSP Toy …

Vive la difference!

It’s been a loooong time since I last watched the Eurovision – a looooong time. This year though, I’d seen a youtube clip of Netta’s “Toy” and was hooked.

I know not everyone likes it – I’ve seen the accusations of cultural appropriation and chicken dances. I’m sensitive to diverse opinions and I sense that some will be angry to see Israel  win whatever the song. That’s not my point here.

HSP – my message to you, via Netta is remember you’re nobody’s toy – and that being different from the majority is something to celebrate – it’s a joy.

Yes, you are kind. Yes you are caring. Yes you are compassionate. Yes you wish to be helpful.

Yes, you may feel (have been made to feel?) that you have something to prove.

Photo by Nong Vang on Unsplash

That you have to change yourself, deny yourself, be “somebody else” – be “different” but different from who you really are – in order to feel acceptable and accepted.

When you get caught up in that dynamic, remember these words,
“I’m not your toy ..”  

We can all learn, grown, change, evolve, develop – that’s simply part of being human. And we can learn to accept ourselves and push for acceptance just as we are. The more you can accept yourself – and your high sensitivity – as you are, the easier the path towards growth and change.

Remember, you’re an HSP and you are nobody’s Toy …

If you’d like to  schedule a free chat to discuss how I can help you to be YOU, get in touch.

With Love and Sensitivity

© Annie Wigman – May 2018

 

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Caring and Clearing the Bar: Why HSPs raise it Too High

How High is That Bar?

Caring – one of the best aspects about being a highly sensitive person. Of course, you know that.

Caring – one of the “worst” aspects about being a highly sensitive person – aka “RBH” – Raising the Bar too High …

Why should this be deemed a problem? As we pass through life you will hear repeated again and again that in order to grow you will have to stretch. Out of your comfort zone – aim further, aim higher. Stretch a little.

Photo by Justyn Warner on Unsplash

And that’s true. I’m not knocking a little stretch and grow. What I’m talking about is the self-sabotage of raising that stretch bar too far. Or, assuming that others are holding the bar far higher than they truly are.

  • Perception is all, right?
  • HSPs are prone to overwhelm, right?

Yep, on both counts.

So think about what happens when you raise the bar too high … (or see it as higher than it is) especially in combination with sensitivity and its attendant worries that you might not be able to cope …

FFF… (what’s with all these acronyms today, eh?) – I’m having fun with them as they pop up like mental popcorn – or even mental sherbet dip (popping candy?) popping in my brain cells just like on my tongue … but I digress …

Fight, Flight, Freeze – Cortisol, Freeze, Procrastinate, Freeze, Frustration, Shame, Fear, Self-Berating, Self-Loathing, Shame, Fear, Cortisol, Freeze, Procrastinate, Get Defensive, Justify, Feel Indignant, It’s Not FAIR…

You get the picture?
Doesn’t have to be in this order? Doesn’t have to be all of the above. Probably isn’t – we’re all different humans with our individual quirky ways. But you get the general idea …

Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash

Maybe you worry needlessly that you haven’t done something well enough – Perfectionism maybe, but not just perfectionism. Simply worry that you haven’t done enough. Haven’t met all of someone’s expectations. And projected YOUR unsupportable level of expectations for yourself. Expectations that cannot be readily and accessibly achieved. Set yourself up to feel rotten and presume you’ve failed.

Maybe you’ve got into an argument with someone – a colleague, a friend, a family member, your partner. Perhaps you feel you’ve been wronged. That they have criticised, judged, been insensitive, intolerant, lacked sympathy, empathy, compassion ….

And perhaps they have – a little. Or even a bit of a lot. But quite possibly and probably nowhere near as big a lot and you’ve perceived it.

While you’re working so hard to try and manage other peoples’ perceptions,
are you leaving capacity and room to manage the only perception you have any
true control over – ie your own?

You want to do well. We all want to do well. You wish to excel. Well that would be swell ..

But with time rushing by, please don’t set that bar too high. Give yourself credit, give yourself a chance. Don’t push goodwill into debit but doing a self-hate dance.

Challenge, stretch, build, grow. Care. By all means. Absolutely. Just don’t shoot yourself in the foot before you’ve even passed GO. Trust me, I know! You’ll cope a lot better if you “care” a little less – as in do not obsess. Raise the bar too high and you’re setting yourself up to cry – or at least feel like you want to cry.

Check your assumptions, check your presumptions, see it where it IS, not way above. True bar, true height, you’ll get over.

For sensitive, compassionate coaching, get in touch and schedule a chat.

With Love and Sensitivity
© Annie Wigman – May 2018

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Your slice of the cake

It’s my birthday and I’ll ask if I want to … I’m asking you to Ask for What You Want 

Yep, tomorrow is my birthday and it’s got me thinking about cake … and something that turns out tricky for many an HSP – that thing of feeling able to ask for what you want

I don’t just mean in money terms – although that can be a very important aspect and, with that in mind, here’s a link to a report from the folks at Mind Tools on Managing Highly Sensitive People – and valuing quiet time at work.

It’s already up on my facebook page @lovingyourhighlysensitivelife (which I’d love you to Like and engage with as much as poss!) There’s also a link to it on my Resources page on this site.

I’m mentioning it here while it’s in mind as I’m always so pleased to see evidence of notice being given to the needs of HSPs at work – and recognition of the value that HSP employees can bring to a team. And for HSPs who are entrepreneurs, solopreneurs, self-employed, freelance – etc. etc. etc. it’s still a relevant and wonderful reminder and recap of HSP positive traits – great knowledge to have at your fingertips if and when folks, potential employers or potential clients or collaborators might question you.

It’s so easy for folks to lean towards “negative” assumptions of HSPs as a weak link – and it’s great to have resources to counter those stereotypical and often lazy assumptions.

So, what’s all this got to do with cake?

not strictly cake but definitely food related!

Dear HSP and quiet creative friends – it’s time to remember that we too deserve a slice of success cake! Or the whole damn cake … and in whatever form you like it. Be it gluten free or lactose free or full-fat full cream chocolate salted caramel marzipan meringue mousse torte parfait tart millefeuille fruit cake confection. I don’t care – what I care about is that you feel able and willing to Ask for What You Want.

This is what I want for my birthday….

That you, my dear HSPs and Quiet Creative, can learn to love and accept and value yourself enough to feel able to be bold and leverage your positive qualities to at least give yourself a fighting chance of getting your needs met by Asking for What You Want.

I know there ain’t no guarantees. Life just isn’t like that. But at least be in the game. I know it takes a huge big lot to summon up the courage when you’ve felt beaten down so often – and I also know that HSP experiences are as diverse as any other group.

But for those who have struggled to accept and stand in who you are, to see and articulate and communicate your value to friends, colleagues, family, loved ones – who people-please to the ends of the earth and then feel indignant, passed over and resentful because you never get your own needs met (and I know because I’ve been there ….) please take a deep calming and paradoxically emboldening breath … and claim your slice of the cake.

Happy Birthday to Me – & please, Ask for What You Want!

With Love and Sensitivity
© Annie Wigman – April 2018

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Renewal, Freedom, Balance

Spring into Renewal, Spring Free from the tyranny of Mental Slavery

Oh my my is it April already?

Time is spinning by so fast … After a long, grey winter, finally some news from the forecasters that the temperatures may be rising.

The spring flowers and blossom are already gracing us with their beauty despite the cold, offering up a welcome dash of colour and sense of hope.

This year the Easter and Passover festivals coincide and have set me thinking on the themes of:

Renewal, Freedom, Rebirth & Hope

Whether you see yourself as religious, spiritual, secular or a combination of the above – or none of the above – liberty, choice, freedom from slavery are things we can all relate to. For someone highly sensitive, there is also something important around freedom from the slavery of our own minds; the beliefs and anxieties we may be trapped in that tell us that we can’t cope – or lead us to fear that we won’t be able to cope if we put ourselves out in the world. How ready are you to do “whatever it takes”? I know this is something I have struggled with and, talking with other highly sensitive people, I see this being a common thread.

By “whatever it takes” – I don’t mean something immoral – simply something that feels challenging, risky, leaving you feeling exposed to risk of overwhelm etc.

The anticipation of what might happen, based on evidence and experiences that have happened before, is at the core of what can stop many an HSP in their tracks. Do you relate to that? What would it mean for you to transform beyond that and how would you expect to achieve it?

Starting with Small Steps

The answer, I would say, is to start with small steps, support and determined self-care. Building up resilience muscles – the mental ones as well as physical. The usual suspects such as mindfulness, meditation, walking in nature, artistic creative outlets, EFT and other body focused work – and, of course, some tailor-made coaching – all spring to mind.

Mapping out your personal HSP landscape

I have put together a little e-book which will be going onto the site for download to new subscribers – and am working out how to get that to you who have already subscribed. In a perfect world I would have managed to get this sorted already before writing this. Fortunately our world has room for imperfection – even among perfectionistic HSPs! I will find a way to get it to you somehow, should you like to have it. How’s that for modelling imperfection and freedom from mental slavery?

Rebirth, Renewal, Spring and Freedom from the Slavery of the Mind.

If there are particular topics you would like me to cover, questions to answer and coaching services you would like me to develop, I look forward to hearing your thoughts, your inputs, your discussion.

Rebirth, Renewal, Spring and Freedom from the Slavery of the Mind. What’s your next step on the route to Freedom?

With Love and Sensitivity – Happy Spring Holiday Season!
© Annie Wigman – April 2018

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Why are you so sensitive?

Why are you so …..?  Why are you so sensitive? What’s all the fuss about? Why are you making such a fuss? Sound familiar?

Why are you such a fusspot? Why the huge over-reaction? What’s the big deal? You’re such a princess! You’re making a mountain over a molehill. What is it with you? Smile, it might never happen …

Like being sensitive is some kind of accusation …

When you’re triggered, when you’re put on the back foot and feel you have to justify who you are and how you show up, it can feel hard to love your highly sensitive life.

So what do you do? What can you do to feel better?

If I’ve learnt anything in this journey through HSPville it’s that whilst non-HSPs might lump us all together as “different”, with our community we’re as different and diverse from each other as any other population.

Every human being is unique and comes with its very own deck of qualities and value. When you belong to a minority group it can be easy to feel that you are marginalised and somehow “less than” simply because you seem different to the dominant majority.

Feeling “less than” can mess with your self-esteem, self-confidence, sense  of value and your leverage. When you think you hold no value, you feel unqualified to ask for what you want.

So step 1 – or Steps 1 and 2 are to accept and cherish yourself in your uniqueness. Yeah I can hear you shouting at me – “easier said than done when you’ve faced a lifetime of being told you’re too …… ”  fill in the blanks.

And yet it is essential and it can be done – even though it doesn’t always feel like it. To achieve it takes the paradox of being gently loving and compassionate with yourself whilst at the same time accepting risk and challenge and discomfort.

It’s so easy for our minds to stay in the familiar grooves of the messages we’ve heard and the filters through which we’ve understood and felt what’s happened to us in the past. That familiarity, that default, can seem easier than change even when it holds us hostage to fear that the same old story may happen to us again and again in the future.

Are you aware of the passive language here? I am as I write it ….. “happen to us …” It’s as if we have no power, no agency, no control. As if we are helpless children like we once were.And when your’e an HSP and the world seems designed to aggravate and agitate with noise and busyness and goodness knows what else, it can feel like you’re powerless. I know …

But if you want to bring about changes, if you want to live a life among people who respect you, who value you, who will honour and meet your needs as well as their own, then first comes the major step of learning to cherish, love and value yourself.

Learning the science behind Sensory Processing Sensitivity and having it at your fingertips to communicate to loved ones, friends and colleagues is great – and I’d encourage you to learn all you can. And, I urge you to remember that there’s no need to go on the defensive. No need to justify who you are and how you are as a highly sensitive person.

You bring so many great qualities. Empathy, kindness, compassion, intuition, creativity, imagination, observing things that others miss, understanding complexity and subtle nuances. You have a high moral and social compass and conscience.

When life throws you the inevitable challenging curved ball, it’s so easy to get ground down and feel down. I know only too well.

And I know that there is value in all that sensitivity. That whilst it can be a right royal pain in the tush (butt) it also offers you a priceless set of assets.

I’m not generally minded to order folk around (even if my brother might sometimes say I’m bossy! – but then I’d say he’s the bossy one, lol) so I’m going to ask nicely and suggest, not command…..

…. Wise Word from Wiggi (me not my brother, before anyone gets confused) is to suggest you make an Inventory of all your positive great qualities, your value – what you bring – and shift your focus onto a “come from” from this standpoint.

Learn to bring these to the fore so that when the taunts fly, when the “Why are you so …..” appears again, you’re not goaded into reacting from wounded child mode. Change might not happen overnight but in time your accusers will find themselves off balance – your response will be different to what they’ve grown accustomed to. And they’re more highly likely to give up, to start responding to you differently.

It’s not about turning the other cheek in some meek resignation of your fate. No, it’s coming from a place where you feel greater self-acceptance, more self-empowered, knowing your own true value and exuding and emitting that to the world around you.

Celebrate your difference, your uniqueness. You can make a start by yourself. And if you’d welcome the support of a coach, then contact me on info@anniewigman.com – you can learn to love your highly sensitive life. Feel free to share your experiences in the comments below.

With Love and Sensitivity
© Annie Wigman – March 2018

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Self-Care HSP Tuesday

Self-Care HSP Tuesday:  Maintaining Professionalism and Minimising Paralysis

It’s Tuesday again, a week since last Tuesday – and it’s newsletter time.

There is so much I have accomplished these past couple of weeks – pat on the back! And also so much more that I have yet to get done. It would be so easy to beat myself up.

This morning I woke up later that I  wanted – and I woke up feeling heavy and exhausted. How very HSP! A part of me toyed with the idea of neglecting my newsletter this week.  Neglecting? Oooh, can’t you just hear that judgemental language?!

As you can see, I ploughed on through – this week’s writing is indeed here – the living embodiment of my fingertips on keyboard and brain cells firing like molten lava. So how, you might ask, am I putting into practice self-care?

The power of choice & making it easy
I made a choice. A decision that I will write and I will allow myself to make it easy.

I am still collating and analysing the responses from the market research survey – still more responses been coming – and, whilst there are some clear trends emerging, I didn’t force myself to write in depth on something that still needs time in formation. Easing off the pressure eased away the paralysis. True, sometimes you have to start before you’re ready – or risk not starting at all. And at others you can trust your intuition and know that it’s okay to hold back and wait – and be kind.

There is a balance to be struck – professionalism demands consistency – you start a newsletter and you send it out at the same time at regular intervals so reader get used to knowing when it’s coming. Increases your open rate, so they say. It is also a mark of respect to your audience – readers and subscribers – and builds familiarity, credibility and TRUST.

Modelling a model of sensitive self-care
Then as a highly sensitive person, writing to other highly sensitive people, I took the view that I can model a model of sensitive self-care whilst maintaining a professional standing.

So here we are, here I am, reaching out to you with this off-the-cuff blog and newsletter. Honouring the timeframe and my care for you. And honouring and modelling the importance of strong boundaries and loving self-care.

Once this is sent I’m off out for a walk. I know, I titled this Self-Care Tuesday but a spoonful of self-care helps the overwhelm go down every day. If you like to discuss coaching around self-care and other ways of thriving as an HSP, drop me a line to info@anniewigman.com

Now I’d love to hear from you – In the comments below I’d love you to share what you do (and will do)  in the name of self-care.

With Love and Sensitivity
© Annie Wigman – March 2018

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Self-employed or Employee? The HSP & thriving at work

Helping the HSP to thrive in the workplace

I know, many an HSP is self-employed- and you choose to be so as the best way to ensure sufficient control over your day-to-day working environment.

Being self-employed carries its own challenges and not everyone can – or wants to – run their own business. So wouldn’t it be great if the workplace felt like a friendlier and more tolerant – and tolerable – place to be for an introvert, quiet creative or HSP?

Implementing the kind of changes that would tempt you out of self-employment into a regular workplace may be a long way off – but there are signs that some employers are enlightened enough to take notice and realise that more a neurodiverse staff is in their best interest.

Mental Health in the Workplace Challenge

On Monday 19th February the London Evening Standard ran a feature on the Mental Health in the Workplace Challenge at the Axa Health Tech and You Awards. One of the nominees is a pod with virtual reality goggles intended to help employees “mentally travel to any destination” – a nice relaxing beach, for example, leaving the user feeling “recharged and re-energised”. As well as visuals this gizmo blows in gentle warm or cool breezes and fragrances to match the content being seen. It measures heart-rate and skin temperature to test stress levels and learns to adapt select experiences the user will find soothing.

Whilst even this could prove over-stimulating to a highly sensitive person, the fact that employers are taking mental health seriously is what caught my notice.

Employable Me – BBC2

Perhaps the highest profile manifestation of diversity coming to the fore at work has been Employable Me from BBC2 – Series 2 aired at the end of 2017. In it psychologist Nancy Doyle helps job seekers with various disabilities and neurodiverse conditions to find their way back into employment – often finding that they score in the highest percentile on various psychometric and skill tests.

This gives them new confidence with which to approach the job market and communicate with employers – to present themselves well in their CV and at interview. Furthermore they find the courage to ask for what they need in terms of Reasonable Adjustments when they find work – knowing that their employer highly prizes the skills they bring.

Asking for Reasonable Adjustments

Whilst Sensory Processing Sensitivity is neither a disability nor a disorder, the highly sensitive person can experience the impact of a noisy, overcrowded, high-pressure workplace to a degree that it can feel like a disability – and to the point where “Reasonable Adjustments” might not feel like adjustment enough!

But it is a step in the right direction … and a culture where asking for what you want and need is commonplace could aid the HSP to speak up and be assertive. And anything that would make it easier must be good news.

HSPs in the Workplace – “from Shame to Fame”

Finally, spotted on Elaine Aron’s site, an article by Janine Ramsey writing in HR Zone on HSPs shifting from Shame to Fame in the workplace. It’s from January 2014 – so four years ago now – but it ends on a high note. Yes it opens by it outlining the issues often faced by HSPs in the workplace …. and it reminds us that there are companies with a progressive mindset who have learned to value and cater to sensitive employees, as in this extract:

“Companies with out-dated thinking might still say that people with the trait are a liability for an organisation. But smart organisations of the Conceptual Age see people with this innate ability as a rare and valuable asset. They foster and utilise their highly sensitive, perceptive employees’ unique abilities to achieve success at an individual, organisational, community and global level.”

You, along with many an HSP, might prefer self-employment as the best fit for earning in current circumstances. And, there are moves afoot to see your range of choices grow as time moves on.

Hallelujah!

What are your thoughts on this? Drop me a comment below and do let us know. Thank you, with love and sensitivity,

© Annie Wigman – February 2018

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A Walk in Nature for the HSP Soul

A walk in the park: Horses on the Heath & healing the HSP soul

I’d spent too much time hunched and scrunched in front of the screen. My fingers had done plenty of walking all over the keyboard but my body had been rooted too long in the same spot and my eyes focused too long in one direction.

I needed new pens and to get my eye glasses fixed (they were just that bit too big for me and kept slipping off down my nose every time I looked down!) So, despite the winter chill I headed out and it turned out to be my lucky day; the pens were on BOGOF (buy one get one free) offer mode and my spectacles, still being new, are being replaced under guarantee by a brand new pair. Free!

On the way back I took the bus all the way to the Heath. I’d bought a few groceries so was carrying shopping but the sunshine and the opportunity for a walk outdoors before it gets even colder this weekend lured me onwards.

Up ahead of me were two riders on horses – I think probably police horses but they were too far ahead for me to see and the riders were wearing hi-visibility jackets so I couldn’t see if they were in uniform. One of the horses got mildly spooked for a moment – I think by a dog – and did a pirouette before being brought back under control. I wanted to catch up with them but even though they stopped for that circle and then moved on only slowly, they were too far ahead for me to reach them. I could hear them though – that comforting sound of horses hooves hiking as in the childhood song – “horsey, horsey don’t you stop, just let your feet go clippetty-clop…” It was delightful in the late afternoon sunlight.

And my stressful day (few days) was beginning to melt away.

I walked some more, sticking to the footpaths because of the muddy puddles on the grassland – up the hill and down the hill and round back to near where I started. I took this photo whilst sitting on a park bench to tie the laces of my boots which had come undone. Like too many of us, I couldn’t resist a quick look at my phone and spotted messages on whatsapp. My brother had sent me a photo of what looks like one of the lemon trees in his garden – (he lives in warmer climes!) with the caption “Gardener came to prune”. It looks like he chopped down the whole tree – lemons and all!

At the time of writing this, I don’t know if it was intentional but I was horrified. I love the lemon tree! So a bit bereft, I looked up and spotted the bare trees of a London winter and kind of wondering what I was doing here in the cold.

Bootlace duly tied I continued my descent heading for home – it was getting too cold.

At one moment I stopped…
Everything seemed to stop. Even the usually noisy seagulls were still and silent. I looked up at the blue sky, the bright luminous sunlight as the sun started hanging lower but yet still full and yellow in the sky. I looked up at yet more trees with still bare branches… and I just felt …

I can’t really say what but it was a magical, mystical, enchanted, spiritual moment. The light was stunning. The silence so peaceful. Like a moment frozen in time. Enchanted. Like being in my very own Harry Potter moment.

And I thought, this is a reason why I love my HSP life.

Yes, life can be challenging at times. Uncertainties and overwhelms can rain down and make you fearful.

And then the resolute call to self-care takes you to where you need to be. And heals you.

With horses and trees and blue skies and spring flowers. In winter sunshine. As if by magic.

With love,
© Annie Wigman

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Staying Alive and beating exhortations to self-improve

A timely read on “Improving Ourselves to Death”

I was talking with some HSPs at a social meetup yesterday and we bonded over a shared sense of  society’s ridiculous obsession with the words “evidence-based” and all-consuming metrics. These ideas, along with the other obsession with “Productivity” are so all-pervasive and also so unnatural to the human condition and so “wrong”.

It was such a relief and so heartening to be in the company of people who share this perspective – who can both do what they need to help themselves and feel at ease – and hold up a healthy sceptic light to some of the cultural self-help norms of the day.

And then today this article Improving Ourselves to Death by  in the New Yorker appeared on my facebook feed and I just had to share it with you.  In it, Alexandra Schwartz reviews and critiques a range of self-help books and perspectives. I found her piece insightful and refreshing.

You don’t have to agree with every word – I don’t – but I do resonate with a lot of what she writes and I am glad to have come across and read it. May I recommend you read it too.

With love,
© Annie Wigman

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The Positivity Paradox

Positivity Pooped?

In her introduction to The Undervalued Self, Dr Elaine Aron (author of The Highly Sensitive Person) reminds us that despite years of work on improving low self-esteem, the undervalued self and low self-esteem are still with us.

We learn that the undervalued self can make us doubt ourselves and our abilities, can leave us feeling shy, anxious or depressed and often comes to the fore just when we need to make an accurate estimation of our value. And we undervalue our worth.

So what’s the antidote?

Should we be sure to engage in only positive thinking? Positive psychology underpins of lot of thinking in the coaching and personal growth communities and it can be a great tool for exploring different perspectives and their impacts on our wellbeing.

Sometimes, however, positive thinking and affirmations can backfire especially among people battling with low self-esteem and a backlog of trauma. Dr Aron points to research which has shown that, “positive thinking and self-affirmations can make those with low self-esteem feel even worse about themselves.”

I’ve seen this written about in lots of articles on social media sites, particularly with reference to people suffering from complex post-traumatic stress disorders.

So, what is one to do?

You don’t want to wallow in low self-esteem. You want your boundaries to be respected and honoured. You know that the worse you feel about yourself – the lower your “rank” (or perceived rank) the easier it becomes for those with higher rank to to step on your boundaries. And the more you will feel obliged to yield and give them your time and energy and respect with no expectation that they will reciprocate. This playing field is not level.

Yet there is a delicious paradox.
There is a way of feeling more positive without regurgitating dry and potentially meaningless affirmations.

An early exercise in the book is to make two lists; one lists the people who you generally feel good around and the other is the people who tend to make you feel bad.

The list you choose to focus on can shift your mood. If you focus on the list of people who make you feel bad, you will be reinforcing and digging ever deeper into that groove. And your mood drops.

If you choose to focus on the list of people who make you feel good – with whom you feel connection, reciprocity, “linkage” and love – you will lift your mood. Your confidence improves also.

When looked at from this standpoint, the positive thinking brigade are correct. By choosing and shifting who to be with or think about – you can consciously shift out of one response and mood to another.

So be careful who you choose to think about!

With all my love and best wishes for a thriving and flourishing 2018

© Annie Wigman – January 2018

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