Is a phrase I used a lot as a child … and, even now, as a so called adult, I am sensitive and attuned to unfairness.
Or to put a more positive spin, I like to see fairness ..
Yes, I know, I know … once again I feel moved to apologise and wonder if I’ve been unfair to you for the rather hefty gap between my previous blog post and this new one. My posting rate of late approximates to about one post a year – which is not exactly active!
So I come with a sheepish look on my face and apologise …. But should I??
What if I simply allow space for and accept that sometimes not posting – not putting myself under undue pressure or duress – is the right thing, the healthy thing to do?
Our frenetic society expects us to keep going and push on through come what may … it’s seen and robust, commendable, resilient, professional etc. etc. etc. But just “keep going” on the hop till you drop is not really the HSP way.
And yet, being sensitive, I worry about letting people down. About falling short of expected service levels (reasonable or otherwise). I recall hearing the Steven Pressfield mantra that to be professional is to show up even when you don’t feel like it … and that to not do so is to be a dilettante. I can feel the scowl of disapproval …
Well, perhaps. I guess he has a point …
And yet, and yet, that way burnout can be, especially perhaps for we HSP.
So how do we play fair? To those whom we seek to serve and to ourselves? How do you find the balance between looking after yourself – cutting yourself enough slack – and hiding yourself / over-protecting yourself – maybe giving yourself too much slack?
Is there such a thing as too much slack?
Perhaps the drive to slacken off (complex wordplay, huh?) carries and conveys an important message. About health maybe or unresolved traumas?
Perhaps it is simply an unchecked habit? I am not here to judge or bully about procrastination but to reflect, comment and open space for us to ask ourselves the questions that may have no easy answers. But we might find some nuggets and hidden buried treasures if we are willing and able to listen. I can’t promise you but I reckon it is worth having a go.
On health scares
Over the summer I did have a health issue, a health scare. I became aware of some pulling and other discomfort around my right armpit where I’d had lymph nodes removed as part of breast cancer surgery five years ago.
For quite a few weeks I did procrastinate. Partly because I only really noticed it at night. During the day I was often not aware of it and could block it from my mind. Unless I poked and prodded.
I was also far to afraid to engage with it or what it might mean. The possible return of the dreaded “something sinister” and all that comes with that …
Fortunately, eventually sense took hold and I did get checked out and am relieved beyond measure that the medics are satisfied that I am clear of cancer and that the discomfort relates to scarring and possible nerve regeneration – a legacy of surgery and radiotherapy etc.
The link between the first part of this post and what I just revealed is that receiving the good news spurred me on to writing this post. For a few weeks I was in limbo. I held off making decisions. I put purchases on hold. I did my best to keep positive so as not to be constantly flooded with cortisol and anything else that might put a strain on my immune system – just in case. But in truth I was often drowning in fear and anxiety.
But to my immense gratitude and relief, all is good.
I may have neglected you too long. I may have hidden for too long. To the point where I can barely remember how to use WordPress!
But wry humour aside, I do apologise for neglecting you. For not reaching out to you more often.
And, at the same time, I accept that sometimes holding back from. others is what it takes to look after myself.
So, if you’re a long-time reader or newly arrived here, I’m sending out a huge hug and warm welcome to you all … whilst also being honest that I am not someone who will always write on a regular basis. You can call me a dilettante if you want .. but it won’t change anything.
I am forever aware and I do always care but sometimes self-care means it’s not always fair.
In Psychology Today, date July 22nd, Elaine Aron has an article on the trait of High Sensation Seeking and how it interacts with Sensory Processing Sensitivity / being an HSP. You may have come across it already (on facebook, for example) and I shared it to my fb page. Adding it here also for readers not on facebook (and/or who choose to avoid it) …
I found it a very interesting piece. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
You may also have thoughts about this being my first posting on here for more than a year! What can I say other than to apologise for disappearing – I’ve been deep in working through my own stuff. I do care about you all even while I’m seemingly absent from this online space.
I can’t promise to post on a regular basis but I will do so when I’m particularly moved to do so.
Time flies when you’re thinking about relationships and the HSP and whether the ups and downs are down to our trait or to trauma …?
… And you’re writing and editing and thinking and then you can’t get into your WordPress admin section and you’re worrying and ‘angsting‘ because you’re an HSP and you really care and you know you said you would write this and almost a month has passed …
Oooof! Ok soooo, to Relationships for the Highly Sensitive Person. Relationships with others – your external world; romantic, platonic, personal, work-based – with partners, lovers, friends, colleagues, customers, and employers. Relationships with ‘Self’ – your internal world; on being ‘nice’, on allowing ‘shadow’ sides, on permission to not have to be always nice, dealing with feelings of bullying, the influences of attachment wounds and early trauma and neglect, of shock traumas in early or adult life.
All these themes emerged in May’s HSP meet-up in Central London of the Highly Sensitive Person Psychology and Support Community hosted by HSP specialty therapist Cindy Gale.
Whilst we share common themes, individual HSPs and experiences of relationships are more varied than Joseph’s Coat of Many Colours – even more diverse than the spelling of colour or color. Forgive me if I interject spots of wry humour (argh, humor) in with what’s a really serious matter. I’m not being trite. It just keeps the anxieties at bay, puts a smile on my fact and keeps me sane …
The 3 D’s
What coalesced in my head I’m calling The Three D’s, namely to
Disentangle
Distinguish
Discern
It seems clear that there’s a level of unpicking required to disentangle the varied strands of influence on our feelings, reactions and subsequent actions.
How, for example, to distinguish between responses that stem from our innate temperament trait and and those that come from elsewhere? Trauma came up and I’ll talk about that below – but it’s also worth noting that what we eat can have an impact on our mood as can hormonal changes too. The drops in oestrogen (estrogen) and testosterone that occur during peri-menopause and menopause can have dramatic effects in so many ways – so it’s not only a question of unpicking Trait from Trauma.
But trauma is what we discussed – reactions that may be rooted in attachment wounds, abuse and neglect trauma legacies. We may not even be consciously aware of them or have identified them. Or we may have buried and suppressed them as they were too painful, overwhelming and beyond our developmental capabilities to cope with when they occurred.
How to discern when something that feels hurtful was an intentional attack on us and when it wasn’t but we’re triggered and perceiving it that way anyway? How if we’re feeling defensive, are we ill at ease for good reason or reacting through a cloudy lens of trauma-influenced off-kilter assumptions?
How, in essence, do we Disentangle, Distinguish, Discern and (4th D) Develop without blame and with honest and clear self-awareness and self-compassion?
It’s also worth knowing what kind of HSP we are … to factor in whether we’re more introverted, extroverted or high sensation seeking. Why?
Elaine Aron teaches us about the pause to check mechanism which means HSPs are wired to stop and think before acting, be less impulsive – and thus less likely to ‘overdose’ on activities and environments that take us into overwhelm. However, whilst all HSPs have this, extroversion and high sensation seeking needs can pull us towards situations that are not so HSP friendly and leave us overstimulated, over-aroused and overwhelmed. It can be tricky to find ideal balance between gas and brake pedals. When we’re in that overwhelmed state, communication and relationships can suffer (as can anyone’s – HSP or otherwise) it’s just that we get there more often and more quickly).
So, if it’s simply that your pause to check has gone a bit offline and you’re in a state of HSP overwhelm than it’s the trait darling and your system’s telling you to take a break. Rest, recharge, reset.
Calmer Waters
On the other hand, if certain people or certain situations always wind you up, perhaps you’re being triggered by early attachment wounding and other developmental traumas.
Books, Podcasts, Videos etc
Cindy brought alone a selection of books and I was drawn to Attached by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I remember studying Bowlby and Attachment Theory in the Developmental Psychology element of my degree way back but this book applies attachment dynamics into adult life and offers a wealth of insights into Secure, Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles, the style mismatch between those who yearn for intimacy and those who avoid and retract from it … and the pull and perils of that Anxious-Avoidant trap. (Read along similar lines to the HSP or Empath-Narcissist trap). Definitely worth a read.
It’s also worth learning as much as you can about how the nervous system works and Polyvagal Theory from Stephen Porges, explained in more accessible terms by Deb Dana. There are books, videos, podcasts galore. Dive in if you can – it can teach us so much.
Developmental Trauma approaches that don’t pathologise include IFS (Internal Family Systems) from Dick Schwartz and NARM (Neuro Affective Relational Model) from Laurence Heller. I’ve delved into No Bad Parts on IFS by Schwartz and am currently on Healing Developmental Trauma by Heller.
I truly wish both of these approaches were in general use in Public Health Systems as I think they are so sorely needed. And many who could benefit don’t have sufficient funds to pay privately. That’s a tragedy and trauma in itself …
Remember that lack of care and attunement (for whatever reason) can be as damaging as outright and intentional abuse. What Happened to You? (also asking what didn’t happen FOR you?) from Bruce Perry and Oprah is another good one to check out.
The potentially good news for HSPs is that differential susceptibility and vantage sensitivity mean that, if we have access to appropriate therapy, we can benefit from it more than can the less sensitive. The less good news is that access to therapy is largely limited to those with deep enough pockets to pay for it. I would like to see a lot more help – bursaries or other forms of funding to broaden the reach of therapy and still ensure that therapists can get paid.
And before I close, a reminder again about hormones. We know that HSPs can need lower than standard doses of medications like anti-depressants … but what if you don’t really need anti-depressants at all but would benefit hugely from replenishment of diminished oestrogen? Check out Oestrogen Matters (or Estrogen Matters in US) by Dr Avrum Bluming – especially if you’re concerned about HRT and breast cancer. Also the balance-menopause site and Dr Louise Newson podcast from UK based Dr Louise Newson for very illuminating knowledge and information.
So, when relationships hit the fan, you might be in HSP overwhelm and tiredness. You might be having an attachment wounding/trauma triggered reaction or anxious-avoidant mismatch issue. It might be none of the above but you’re menopausal…
Whichever which way, it’s helpful to know how to Disentangle, Distinguish and Discern… and and then Develop (without forcing it). And remember, whatever emerges, you are still, in essence, you and you always retain your Permission to be YOU …
How do you feel about the HSP “label”? Does it help? Does it hinder? How important/helpful do you find it to be known as a highly sensitive person / high-sensation-seeking highly sensitive person and any other iteration of the HSP range?
I’ve been reflecting on this since listening to an inspirational podcast interview with Dr Tracy Cooper PhD – author of Thrive! The Highly Sensitive Person and Career and Thrill! The High Sensation Seeking Highly Sensitive Person. I’ll put the podcast link below.
The discussion covered multiple topics which held my interest throughout although my attention perked up another level when the talk turned to HSPs and HSS-HSPs at work ..
Workplace settings can be so toxic and uncomfortable for many (if not all) HSPs and, with this is mind, I’ve wished that high sensitivity could be held under the same umbrella as other neurodiverse conditions even though high sensitivity is a neutral personality trait and neither a disability nor a disorder. It can feel like and be treated as such though and it seemed to me that aligning with other neurodiverse communities might be the only way for an HSP employee to access the “reasonable adjustments” and accommodations they might need in order to thrive.
But in this discussion came a novel idea that I wholeheartedly feel aligned with. I’ve always had a thing about square pegs in round holes and sometimes ask: “What did the square peg say to the round hole? ‘Ouch!‘ ”
What did the square peg say to the round hole? “Ouch!”
I’ve never been one for one-size-fits-all cookie cutter approaches or expecting everyone to contort themselves to fit a singular box or ideal. But that is too often what is expected in the workplace with business leaders then mystified when things don’t work out well … I’ve long thought much better to manage the environment to support the employee …
And here it came … in this discussion they spoke of urging employers and leaders to consider the needs of each employee – what will help each one to flourish? Boom! See each as a whole person with all sorts of qualities and needs – like plants in a garden or on a farm – each species needing the right conditions and climates etc in which to thrive. But with people at work, taken along another notch from species specific to individual specific …
With that comes the opportunity to allow the HSP label to dissolve and become redundant in this context. See the individual not the label … appreciate and accommodate the individual … and reap your reward.
Of course it does throw up some questions …
How is this put into practice?
Do you need a different workplace for every employee?
Can it only work in practice if most employees work from home?
How can the needs be met of those who cannot work from home?
Does something get lots by letting go of the HSP / HSS-HSP labels?
Questions there may be but overall I was thrilled to see this topic get aired. I see it as a kind of unleashing – an opportunity for feelings of spaciousness and greater freedom.
What do you think? How do you feel? The labels – hindrance or help? I’d love to hear.
Gliding gracefully or paddling furiously to keep up?
I was watching a tribute to “the first rockstar chef” Gary Rhodes who died suddenly aged 59. Rhodes is credited with reviving respect for British cuisine in the 1980’s and rose to TV fame in the 1990’s. Back then, whilst he was a hot high chef , the only cuisine considered haute in the UK was French …. Rhodes changed all that and became a culinary and TV superstar. With his talent, his spikey hair, boyish good looks and huge yet natural personality he was a hit.
What does this have to do with pace and peace for the highly
sensitive person you may ask?
This…..
His pace was legendary. His stamina too. We’re told he rose at 5:00am every day and put in an hour of push-ups before breakfast. He was meticulous, and tidy. He mentored, he trained, he wrote, he entertained. His cookbooks grace the shelves of other renowned chefs. He was phenomenal. He was celebrated all round. He was amazing …. And so the opposite of what works best for an HSP.
As I watched the program – with feet up on the sofa – I felt admiration and “that sinking feeling” in equal measure. As a highly sensitive person who needs plenty of time to “unplug”, rest and recuperate, how could I – or others like me – hope to achieve to the level he did, or command the admiration and respect accorded to the high achieving likes of Gary Rhodes? (Not that I envied his untimely passing ….)
Sure, he will be remembered and, ego notwithstanding, we all like to leave our mark – some legacy, some sense that we were here. He definitely cooked up a feast of memories and I had to admire all that he could do and he had done. And … I could feel a familiar internal chorus of disapproval bubbling up for those of us who cannot match his stamina and his pace. A sense that we are somehow lazy, good for nothing and a waste of space.
Fortunately I caught myself. I stopped. I re-calibrated. I reset.
I remembered that whilst “society” and culture might celebrate the high octane high achiever, it doesn’t mean curtains for the rest of us.
Being easily overstimulated and overwhelmed, we HSPs may have to march to a different pace. Or amble. Or run for a bit and then STOP to recover. We definitely need to know ourselves, our bodies, our systems – and make informed, discerning choices.
I know, it isn’t always easy. When all around us the culture shouts “Push! Push! Push!” – push on through and don’t stop till you drop – it can feel super challenging to push back against that.
The cost of not stopping, not pacing ourselves, however, is exhaustion, frustration, desperation. Shut down. And the daft thing is, the same result looms for even the non-highly sensitive. The HSP might reach breaking point sooner but the malaise of burnout and stressed out mental health pervades all strata of society. Self-harm, breakdowns, suicides, early deaths through strokes, heart attacks, diabetes and more strike even those who, on the surface, appear to have every advantage possible. How much more so then for the HSP.
Celebrating differences and allowing people to move at their own pace benefits all – HSP and non-HSP alike. It puts less stress on the immune system and leaves more room for resilience, creativity and life!
So what might this look like in practice? Honestly I’d say it’s different for each of us.
For some a slow and steady even pace may be perfect. For me, not so much … with a low boredom threshold I prefer shorter bursts of powerful, fast moving (but not manic) energy interspersed with rest and zone out to recharge. Sometimes that will mean being still and others it may mean dancing, painting, walking, cooking, drinking in the beauty of nature – physical movement that enables mental stillness and calm. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a little ADD – or simply HSS HSP (high sensation seeking HSP). No matter which or what – I like to mix things up and move when I can so I don’t get bored.
Mindfulness is important for HSPs – but if you find the traditional, classic sit still and focus on your breath method doesn’t work for you, I recommend you experiment to find something that suits you better. Maybe sing, maybe paint, maybe dance – maybe simply sway a little. Sometimes and for some people it’s necessary to move in order to be still. Being forced to sit and focus on the breath can reinforce trauma and if that is the case for you, don’t do it. There is no one-size-fits-all method for finding calm.
But if you move, then move at a pace that suits you ….I’ve noticed the comparison demons pop up in a Zumba class I attend. It’s the slower paced, lower impact Zumba Gold and, as someone who loves to dance and used to do salsa, I assumed I would find it super easy. But I’ve spotted people there who are older than me yet have more endurance. They’ve also been attending the class for a long time and the routines are already locked into their muscle memory. I’m very much a relative newbie!
Sometimes I have to slow down or stop – or leave the room for a while – even just to escape the music.
It’s easy to beat myself up about it. My brain fries and freezes when the pace and the volume get too much. Yes, I hate that it does that – but I’m learning to be kinder to myself.
I am a highly sensitive person – and it’s only a year since I finished radiotherapy …It can take two years to fully recover from that, let alone the chemotherapy and surgery that preceded it. If I need a break in the Zumba class nobody showers me with criticism. So why should I? I’m learning not to …
Sure, I can’t always sit still and I can’t always keep up. Things work best when I’m free (and allow myself) to move at my own pace. Sometimes that pace is fast and other times it’s far slower than it used to be. That doesn’t make me any less of a person …
Yep, our culture values speed. It can seem to value quantity over quality, impulsiveness over thoughtfulness. But remember the speedy don’t see what the HSP does. Looked at from that angle, it’s the speedy not so highly sensitive who can’t keep up! For every perceived and experienced HSP challenge and disadvantage there is an asset and advantage waiting to be discovered, uncovered, communicated and loved.
What price comfort? What price comfort for the HSP? Comfort at any price? I wrote a bit about comfort last February, following chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy. An uncomfortable period indeed.
James Pritchett on Unsplash
Since we notice more than most and process things so deeply, the discomfort of overwhelm is mightily familiar for a highly sensitive person. A desire to escape that frazzled feeling and hide in cosy comfort is hugely tempting. And indeed, downtime to reset and recharge is essential for HSP wellbeing and health. But chronic retreat comes at a hefty price also: Life passes you by … Your dreams go unfulfilled and the world never knows what delights you bring.
So, how do you navigate a highly sensitive nervous system that’s easily overstimulated and needs plenty of rest – and still challenge yourself, engage, expand and grow? How can you balance engagement and self-preservation; nudge yourself forward and self-nurture? How can you find and sustain your ideal sweet spots?
My Top 10 Tips
Numero Uno, Ditch the Judgement. It’s so easy to beat yourself up. To internalise all the criticisms you’ve ever heard; for being different, too sensitive, too fussy etc. etc. yada, yada, yada.
My guess is you end up feeling worse and even more inclined to hide. The wings of your hopes and dreams remain clipped and cannot fly. The gifts you have to give remain unopened,, unexplored, never shared.
So, Step 1 Drop the judgement and Accept WHO you are, HOW you are and where you are. From this calm, serene space you give yourself the best chance to map out your individual HSP landscape.
Step 2 Identify what you want to achieve, what will help you to get there and the challenges and obstacles you expect to meet on your way. Include your particular needs as an HSP. Which leads neatly to …
Step 3 Mark out your boundaries; your non-negotiable lines in the sand that form part of your self-care; your areas of flex – the ‘negotiables’ – and your sweet-spots of engagement – your unique ideal balance between participation/engagement and downtime to recharge.
Step 4a Identify your gifts. Beyond accepting who you are, what does your unique palette of temperament, skills, aptitudes and life experiences bring to the table? What do you bring that others want? You might it hard to identify and articulate what you bring. But persevere because bring something valuable and highly prized you most certainly do ….
Step #4b Communicate your gifts to your nearest and dearest and the wider world. The benefits are at least two-fold.
Firstly it nurtures the HSP need to do something meaningful. Secondly, it can gain you leverage to ask for what you want, negotiate and get your needs met. When others can see clearly the value and benefits you bring to them, they understand that meeting your needs also helps to meet their own… Win-Win!
Thirdly, reminding yourself and others of your value increases your confidence and changes how you show up in the world and are perceived – and thus what’s likely to open up for you. Virtuous circle instead of downward spiral …
Step #5 Remember every highly sensitive person is unique. As much as HSPs share experiences in common, we are as diverse as any other community. One HSPs precious alone time might be another’s lonely cavern of boredom. The blend of our natural temperament and early home-life creates a unique cocktail that impacts on how we experience life in adulthood. You may have enjoyed a nurturing and supportive childhood that’s given you advantages you’re barely aware of; you made have endured sadness and trauma that still has a painful legacy. So, what is to be done?
Research on differential susceptibility shows that HSPs benefit especially well from supportive environments and can suffer especially badly from traumatic experiences and difficult childhoods. Vantage sensitivity, meanwhile, means that troubled HSPs benefit especially well from appropriate support. Early damage can be worked through and overcome. Do your best to learn and do what you can and seek the best appropriate support that you can.
And remember, if you read or hear something about HSPs that doesn’t resonate with your experience, acknowledge that it can be true for some and not true for you. We are people, not clones. A sweeping statement doesn’t have to ring true for you. And if something is true for you, it doesn’t have to be true for all other HSPs.
Step #6 Self-Care & Get enough sleep! In the crazy, full on world many inhabit, sleep is often sacrificed. The multiple pressures that can come with jobs, businesses, finances, families, friends and animals to look after can make self-care and sleep seem like impossible dreams. But to thrive, not merely survive, an HSP has to make space for some kind of self-care regime and sufficient sleep (often more sleep than is the cultural norm).
I find I need 8 to 9 hours on average and occasionally need more. If necessary, I can get by on the odd shortfall and 6 or 7 hours will suffice, so long as it’s a temporary situation. I cannot sustain being chronically sleep-deprived.
When opportunities for self-care and sleep seem in short supply, take your cue from in-flight safety instructions – they remind you that if the oxygen masks drop down to fit your own before attempting to fit one on your child. You have to be conscious if you want to help anyone else. So it is with an HSP and sleep and self-care. You have to set boundaries and take care of YOU before you can give of your best to the world.
You have to set boundaries and take care of YOU before you can give your best to the world
What nourishes you? What restores you? Do you like yoga and meditation? Do you like expressive dance … art, music … singing … writing … walking … being in nature? Dig, explore and do whatever works for you to help you to recharge, re-calibrate, regain your equilibrium and sustain emotional regulation.
If you are sensitive to noise, as many HSPs are, ask yourself are you affected in some loud situations more than others? What bothers you more? What bothers you less? Are you in a position to use earplugs or noise cancelling headphones?
Compare how you’re affected by noise when you have control of the “off” switch and when you don’t – notice any difference in your emotional experience when you feel you’re free and “at choice” over volume and duration of noisy disturbance.
Step #7 Do what you can to get into nature and simply BE. Some HSPs prefer to live in the countryside, others are quite happy in the city. Either way, being in nature is a great source of nurture for the HSP. Not all of us are able to keep a pet or, necessarily, even wish to. But do take and make opportunities to be out in nature, commune with the natural world. It’s a fabulous tonic for the highly sensitive soul.
Whether you’re an introverted, extroverted or high sensation seeking HSP, grounding yourself in connection to the earth fires up the feel-good. Luxuriate in the solidity, the safe holding warmth, the connection to life-force energy and twinkling spark of creativity. Let go for a while a simply be …
Step #8 Ask for what you want. It’s okay to do that! Your needs and wants are as valid and important as the next person’s. You may need to dig and explore to get really clear on what you need in general. And, in any particular moment it might be crystal clear what you need or want right then.
And remember, when your gifts are seen and shared, you raise the chances of having your needs met without a fight.
Step #9 Be prepared for when you don’t get what you ask for. Sometimes your needs might be in conflict or “competition” with another’s. So have self-care practices in place for when you’re unable to get your needs met (or met right away) and you’re feeling stressed out. But remember it IS okay to ask. In fact it’s more than okay, it’s essential. Otherwise, how else would they know?
Expecting others to read your mind? Waste of time. Remember, not everyone’s an empath – and even an empath might feel your energy, but cannot read your mind … If you want or need something, it’s essential to articulate and communicate it out loud … We have to ask!
Step #10 Get the support you need. The road to Living more comfortably as an HSP most likely has a few bumps. Some discomfort is inevitable. Your opportunity, should you choose to accept it, is to learn to mange and moderate discomfort – rather than pay the price of simply avoiding it. I believe it is possible for the highly sensitive and the more neuro-typical to appreciate each other and live in harmony. The route to living more comfortably starts right here.
“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.”
Lucille Ball
Reframing past experiences in an HSP aware context builds great foundations for the art of self-acceptance – and great entry points for discussions about high sensitivity with loved ones, colleagues and friends.
There is a wealth of books, blogs, articles, podcasts, TED talks, social media and Meetup groups now about sensory processing sensitivity and the highly sensitive person. A broad choice of access points to learning more about the HSP trait to educate yourself and those around you. Be discerning, hold solid boundaries and filters around what you encounter, and you should be safe.
To go deeper you’ll get further with the help of a coach (or therapist, if needed) who understands and truly “gets” you as an HSP.
If you’re a highly sensitive person, we can explore and define your unique needs, gifts, boundaries and areas of flex. We’ll map out those non-negotiable lines in the sand and the opportunities for expansion and growth. We’ll identify your sweet-spots of balance between engaging in the world and downtime and alone-time recharge. All helping you navigate your way through a still largely non-HSP world, share you gifts though something meaningful and ask for what you need to live more comfortably.
If you’re in relationship with a highly sensitive person, be it at home, in friendship or at work – and whether you’re neuro-typical or highly sensitive yourself, we can deepen your understanding and appreciation of what it’s like to live as an HSP in a world that frequently overstimulates and overwhelms. And you get to ask for what you want and need also. If a highly sensitive person in your life can’t meet your needs without harm to themselves, you can uncover how each of your needs can be met differently.
For anyone, some discomfort is inevitable. For an HSP even more so. You might choose to avoid it at all costs. You might choose to work through it en route to living a more fruitful, comfortable life and towards HSPs and “neuro-Ts” living in harmony.
If this speaks to you and you’d like to speak with me, be in touch. If you sense this may speak to someone you know and love, feel free to share and point them this way.
With love and sensitivity, Happy and Harmonious 2020!
Don’t people just love to tell you. Carpe diem they holler. Seize the day!
Photo by Chris Chan on Unsplash
I wonder what, exactly, does this mean? How do you feel when you hear that demand, that command? Do you feel inspired and uplifted? Do you feel under pressure, a critical gaze and judged? Can a highly sensitive person seize the moment, seize the day and stay healthy, stay sane?
It’s now a year since I discovered a lump and began the journey of diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer. I am fortunate that it was discovered relatively early and I was spared radical surgery to the breast and a lumpectomy and breast conservation surgery sufficed. The pesky monster had spread to the lymph nodes, however and I had all the lymph nodes under my right arm removed. So all in all, a big deal. Surgery was preceded by a chemical cocktail of chemo and immunotherapies, then followed by physiotherapy, radiotherapy and ongoing immunotherapy (just 5 more to go now!) and the start of at least 5 years or hormone pills which can cause weight gain, osteoporosis etc. etc. etc. Lovely …
Thankfully they say it all worked and I appear to be clear … so far so amazing and I am truly grateful since, as horrible as it all was, I know some people have things much worse.
Now, though, as I start to come through towards the light at the end of the tunnel, I am feeling the pressure. Feeling that I should be one of those inspirational cancer survivors who takes on the world (because life is too short….) – who gets busy. Who fills every moment with life experiences. Who achieves who is constantly active.
And yet I know that would break me. I have to live by a different set of norms.
Sure, I am a warrior as well as a worrier, I am tough as well as fragile. But I cannot just do it – or at least sustain that level of activity. I cannot go-go-go … I need more downtime, breaks, time to unplug, zone out (and zone in to my inner life) and recharge.
All very HSP. All very self-care necessities for HSPs. Yet I worry about time. About time passing me by. About being judged and deemed less than because our culture doesn’t value time spent doing nothing.
People may crave it. More time to chill. Time to rest. Time to enjoy the moment. Time to be with friends and family and loved ones and animals and a beautiful sunset or whatever floats their boat. But society doesn’t allow it, doesn’t approve. Because we supposed to stay forever on the hamster wheel of “productivity” and making money? I’d love to hear your thoughts on that…
So, we come back to the beginning. Full circle. Carpe diem. Seize the day. Seize the moment. What does it mean to you?
Photo by James Pritchett on Unsplash
What can it be to seize the moment/day an HSP way? How about we honour our need for more balance. More rest. For doing things quickly when we feel like acting quickly and more slowly when we need to slow down.
I’m not suggesting HSPs have to do everything at a snail’s pace all the time. I see that each HSP has different levels of stamina, endurance and tolerance of different things. There is no one-size-fits-all in how we are affected by DOES (see Dr Elaine Aron). We share tendencies in common but individual levels and experiences are as diverse as in any other population.
But the world is crying out for restorative time. And that could be our cues as HSPs to lead the way. To paraphrase an old song, I’d like to teach the world to rest in perfect harmony ….
So STOP! Give yourself a break. Seize the moment, seize the day. Carpe diem an HSP way …
I was watching a programme on TV the other day about bioluminescence – light emitted by a living creature – in the deep ocean. Truth us, at the start it was on in the background whilst I was doing something else (how very non-HSP?!) and I was paying it scant attention when suddenly my ears pricked up.
Picture by David Clode on Unsplash
The narrator (Sir David Attenborough, no less) began speaking of a new, highly sensitive camera that could see in the darkest depths of the sea. This scientific wonder showed us the wonders of creatures that dazzle with light displays of bioluminescence in areas where it is normally too dark to find and film them.
Picture by Mikita Amialkovi on Unsplash
With this new highly sensitive camera, scientists are able to discover and learn so much more than was possible before. Much like, it struck me, how highly sensitive people can notice and be aware of nuances and subtleties way beyond the sensory reach of the non-HSP population.
It’s easy to see the downsides of High Sensitivity – being an HSP – the tendency for over-stimulation and overwhelm that Sensory Processing Sensitivity can bring. How refreshing I find it whenever I spot reminders of the benefits and advantages of sensitivity. Of seeing high sensitivity as a valuable asset, a Trait to Treasure.
Highly Sensitive Camera – I love you! And humans who had the foresight to value a highly sensitive nature and create you, I love you too!
Are you allergic to hard work – or simply sensitive and need downtime …? If you struggle with stamina and didn’t have perfect parents, are you doomed fail – or can you triumph regardless?
Photo credit Anna Dziubinska on Unsplash
I felt compelled to consider these questions again after watching Zimbabwe born Dr Tererai Trent interviewed by Marie Forleo. Dr Trent was born in Zimbabwe, married by 14 and become a mother of 4 by the time she turned 18. She endured poverty, abuse, working 3 jobs at a time and needing to raid garbage dumpsters to find enough food to feed her family. Yet she overcame all challenges over a period of two decades from an early life of limited access to education to moving to the US, gaining her PhD and becoming the successful social entrepreneur that she is today. This is one remarkable and inspiration woman. Phenomenal. I couldn’t fail to be impressed and held in awe.
Yet I felt triggered. As I watched and listened, questions came flooding in to my HSP brain. What if you can’t work 3 jobs at once? What if, despite passion, ambition and best intentions, sustaining that level of engagement would utterly overwhelm and possibly destroy you?
Our culture applauds grit and “hard work” – and denigrates downtime (whilst failing to see that even non-sensitives are drowning in ever increasing demands and no time to simply “be”) so, is an HSP who can’t – or doesn’t want to – meet those demands, doomed to fail?
Looking at the question that way feels hopeless and depressing and perhaps a more helpful question to look at is how can an HSP succeed on their own terms? And what does “hard work” really mean, anyway? What does hard work mean to you as an individual and unique HSP?
Photo by Jose Alfonso Sierra on Unsplash
I am drawn back to memories of time on kibbutz when I was 18 or 19. I was working in the vineyards and had to untie each vine from its support, bend it round the post and walk back in the opposite direction, all the time with this very strong piece of plant life fighting my grip and threatening to whip itself back before I could reattach it to the support post on the other side. It was hard physical work in the hot sun on an 8 hour shift. Potentially dangerous yet a thrill and deeply satisfying. At that stage in my life, the physical hard work was no hardship. Mentally, the task was a breeze with no pressure to multi-task and or juggle competing demands. Hard work that was easy!
Another factor in Tererai’s ultimate success is that she comes from a line of inspirational women. Despite the baton of poverty and disadvantage being handed down through the generations, her grandmother and mother inspired her to believe that she could change the tide. Marie Forleo also speaks of how her mother taught her that “everything is figure-out-able.” Sadly, not everyone is blessed with encouraging parental input and we know from Elaine Aron how significant upbringing can be – particularly so in the fate of an HSP but that deserves a post of its own and I’ll write more this factor about it next time.
Meanwhile, if you have dreams to bring to fruition yet the call to “hard work” fills you with dread; if you struggle to sustain focus and physical or mental stamina, I hear ya. And I’d flag up that this notion of hard work is fluid and subjective and doesn’t have to stop you in your tracks.
It can be individually defined and filtered to make room for perspectives that allow hard work to be both out of bounds and totally okay. The key is to map out what you can abide and what you cannot. Where you might be flexible and where you will not. Your unique sweet-spots and lines in the sand. Boundaries and room for manoeuvre and growth.
Yes, a culture that sees “hard work” as the sole route to success might floor you. An inability to sustain said hard work might get you labelled as flawed. Developmental traumas can play havoc with self-worth. But none of that has to mean the end of your dreams.
If you’ve found connected with the NCHS (National Centre (or Center) for High Sensitivity you’re already on track for a more satisfying future. I’d also recommend learning all you can about trauma and how to heal it, about techniques such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique – aka Tapping) where you tap on acupressure points to alleviate pain, trauma, cravings and more, plus spend time in nature and cherish your inner world. And, if you can, invest in some counselling and/or coaching and mentoring to make the most of your precious, creative, rule-busting, delicious, delectable and highly valuable, highly sensitive soul.
Well it’s been a long time and not the most comfortable. In late April last year – not long after my birthday – I became aware of a lump. In early June I was experiencing the not so delightful delights of biopsies and by the middle of June I received the news we all fear – I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully, relatively early stage and treatable, for which I am eternally grateful. But terrifying nonetheless. And by early August I was drawn into the tunnel of alternate reality comprising chemotherapy, immunotherapy, steroids and anti-sickness drugs, surgery, drains for lymphatic fluid, radiotherapy and years of hormone treatments. Plus panic attacks, acid reflux, messed up gut, social isolation and unpredictable fatigue.
Fortunately and thankfully, the treatments have worked and I am now, so I am told, cancer-free. But it wasn’t a comfortable ride. Chemotherapy is horrible, no doubt about it – though contrary to the popular image, I didn’t spend hours being sick. I wasn’t sick even once – the drugs worked well to prevent that.
For HSPs reading this, I am sensitive to the possibility that you may find talk of cancer and cancer treatments overwhelming. All I can say is that each patient’s experience is different. As different and diverse as humanity itself but the drugs, these days, are better than in days of old and not everyone will spend hours with their head in the toilet. But the rear end may be another matter!
What I can tell you is that you have to get used to unpredictability and total loss of a sense of control. Your life becomes a regime and routine of hospital visits, of strange environments -the chemo suite is surreal and can be annoyingly noisy with all the beeps of the machines pumping the cytotoxic poisons into the IVs to prolong and save lives. Beeps because an infusion is finished (or almost finished). Beeps because it was on battery rather than plugged into the mains and the battery is low or run down. Beeps because for whatever reason, it has stopped working properly. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. An HSP’s nightmare – or at least for those HSPs super-sensitive to noise. Although my last chemo was early October, I still attend the unit every 3 weeks for an immunotherapy injection in my thigh – so I am returned back to the land of beeps, another 8 times until August.
What does all this have to do with the title of this post?
‘C’ is for Comfort is my quest to reclaim The Big C and rename it for me. And rehabilitate and rebrand the notion of C O M F O R T.
I wonder, when did Comfort get to be such a taboo? When and why did it become such a ‘should’ to shun comfort?
What if we were to ditch the perceived duality between comfort and growth? Why do we have to see it as ‘either-or’? What if we saw instead a ‘both-and’ paradigm?
For a highly sensitive person I believe this is essential. HSPs inhabit the land of discomfort more often than most. Things that may be mildly irritating to someone of average sensitivity to environmental stimuli can feel like hell on earth to someone whose central nervous system is highly sensitive and easily overstimulated and overwhelmed.
Parliament Hill, Hampstead Heath, London, UK
Yes, facing challenges and growing as a person – moving from passive child mode to proactive adult mode are all important aspects of growing up and to be applauded.
I am not suggesting we hide away, avoiding all thing potentially overwhelming or fearful. I do advocate that we take a lead and encourage society – even those who are not highly sensitive – to find a kinder balance.
Yes, put yourself out there. Stretch, grow, expand – make what was uncomfortable comfortable – if you can.
And, remember that the rules may be different if you are a highly sensitive person. Your natural boundaries and sweet-spots may be tighter and more constrained than for someone who is less sensitive.
We all crave and need comfort to some extent. Not just babies, the highly sensitive, the sick, the broken-hearted and bereaved.
All of us – highly sensitive or not so – can benefit from a chance to slow down, take some quiet time and to allow ourselves time to get off the merry-go-round.
Comfort is NOT a Cop-Out. It’s a game-changer for enhancing and maintaining good mental health.
So let’s ditch the gladitorial battle between comfort and growth and cherish and celebrate C O M F O R T!
